Sunday, April 9, 2017

Accomplishing Anything (at all).

Trying to get things done with PH is weird. You get motivated, but you're so tired, you work hard and then your chest hurts, you notice you aren't breathing right. You finish that task but are so wiped out that you are dragging the ground to complete the next one. You're always wondering how you can keep up. 

That's how it goes. That's how it has gone for me for the past few years. And while I'm hoping treatment changes that, I have noticed that at least understanding what is going on helps. Knowing why my heart rhythm is sometimes insane and knowing my triggers has made avoiding episodes easier, too. 

 I realized that if I rest between things, if I ignore the part of my brain yelling at me to finish everything RIGHT. THIS. INSTANT! then I can get something done, something accomplished. 

Maybe it's nothing compared to what I could do a few years ago. Maybe it's nothing compared to other people, but for me, it is the difference between a good and bad day. 

It's still frustrating not to be able to be out and about every other day of the week with my kids. They only get one childhood and one of the ways we show them we love them is to try to let them experience fun and great new things. 
We changed outings to more frequent at
home stuff, like homemade playdough
, renting movies, and trying to remodel the backyard into
a more kid-friendly area for exercise and play. 

It's hard giving some of that up. That and feeling so tired that it's a juggling act to keep up with daily chores makes you feel totally inadequate. But, that's life now. 


You have to rest. 

You have to slow down.

You have to do those things in order to keep moving.

And moving is the important part.  

Writing is still hard right now. I do wonder if painting might be easier, sometimes. Words seem to escape me quicker when my mind is fluttering with so very much, when I am still processing everything. But, I've been able to help a friend as she gets ready to fight her way into the ring of indie publishing, and that's helped a lot. The exciting part of indie is the new blood coming in to change everything we thought we knew. And I learned from my mistakes by helping her, too. And I made a lot of them. 



But, like everything, it's a one task at a time pace. And it's slow, but it's mine. 

It doesn't help our home we bought just two years ago needs so much work and updating. My projects are mostly with the backyard, but encompasses everything from the inside ceiling fans to the molting trim outside. A new/used home is a privilege, it sure as hell is, but it's an extreme amount of work and cash to finally end up with something that works for your family. And moving as slow as I have to now leaves so little time to get that hard stuff done that it's frustrating. 

I feel better, better about everything, if I can get something accomplished. 

Rest. 
Slow down.
Keep moving. 


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